Welcome 2020: on art, narcissism and practicality.
A new decade....
In 2010 I was in my 2nd year of grad school....
The truth is, I abandoned myself. I went to grad school because I was a writer. I wanted to write memoir, poetry....
But I was terrified. I didn’t see how I could support myself as a creative writer. This had been the case for some years already, after I made the decision leaving college that I wouldn’t pursue photography because — how could I pay the rent?
So in 2010 I was in graduate school studying the social sciences ... which I loved. And I wanted to be a creative writer. But I made what I thought was a practical decision — I would be an academic and I could write academic things and it would be the perfect combination of practical and artistic.
2010 was the year I continued to harm my inner artist, abandoning myself... and it just got worse. I knew the truth in 2012 when I graduated grad school. I had started writing a make up blog and gotten internationally famous and instead I went back to practical writing. I knew the truth in 2015 as I published more than anyone I knew and yet felt hollow and empty inside because the work was only partially what I wanted. I knew the truth in 2018 when I left teaching to start a business “so that I could save money and one day I could be an artist ...”
It all fell apart. It kept falling apart.
Being an academic eventually broke, running my business eventually collapsed....
I am thick-headed. Life had to beat me over the head into submission before I finally looked at myself and said GIRL WHAT. what. What are you doing?
***
Yesterday a friend of mine and I talked about me working towards show in a gallery of my oil paintings and she said — you have to make sure your work is marketable so that they want to show you.
And that made sense to me.
Until later that night when a little voice inside me, a little voice that has been getting stronger and stronger since I have been painting more and more said “you already did that. And look what happened?”
I went into teaching saying I would “write on the side.” I went into academic research and publishing saying, “this is a great way to make money and still write.” I started a business saying “you can have a business that gives you the freedom to make art, eventually....”
No.
Being practical got me two failed careers and a failed business.
Being practical left me feeling like a zombie.
Being practical got me student loan debt.
Being practical left me starving for myself, abandoned, alone.
There is no more time for practical.
*******
Everyday for the past three months I have painted or worked on painting. First. I put it first. Not last. Not in a year. Not “once this happens then...”
First. Art first, life second.
My business and a new line of work in fashion suddenly materialized.
Marketing felt easier.
I was suddenly able to deal with my student loan debt and began working out negotiations.
I began to feel more whole and fulfilled than I had been in years.
I experienced major changes in my romantic life.
I reconnected with my parents.
And it was all so easy; flow. Flow.
************
Welcome 2020. Welcome new decade. You are the decade of magic. You are the decade of frivolity, luxury and laughter. You are the decade of feeding my artistic soul selfishly and unreservedly. You are the decade of deep wealth and healing the choking sickness of debt. You are the decade of sexuality, and love, and jewish home-cooked meals. You are the decade of pursuing impractical desires at any cost.
2020 you are the decade of never making a single marketable piece .... the decade of fiercely protecting my narcissistic tendencies to paint what pleases me.
I am a compulsive, magical artist. As I paint, I recover my lost self .... who I always was, what I loved, how I loved.... for time is not linear you see but circular. Each day I live my history as a young artist all over again, guiding myself into different choices and practicing the greatest of all healing arts— self-forgiveness.
You first, art. You first, now. I commit.
